My Dreams

Have you ever woken up in the morning to realize that experience that you just had that was so awesome, heartwarming, and sweet was just a dream? This happens to me pretty often. And when i see the sunlight through the blinds of my window I just close my eyes again wishing to go back to that same place that I was just a few moments ago surrounded by love and happiness. Some of my dreams are about my family being under one roof again all of us together and happy, and some other of my dreams are about finding my second half. In my dreams I'm able to levitate or "fly" by flapping my legs back and forth as if swimming, and the more I do that the higher I go and become invisible to everyone else on the ground. I also feel extreme joy, comfort, warmth, and happiness in the way that I haven't felt since probably my childhood. In those dreams I'm safe, cared for, loved, undiscriminated against, equal, and happy. I'm surrounded by loved ones and those who love me with sincerity and genuinely, no questions asked. By writing I was hoping to somehow be able to recreate those sensations that I feel in those dreams; to somehow make them come alive once again. But to no avail. One night I dreamt of my grandmother (mom's mom) being alive and coming to a family gathering with my mom. I was so relieved to see her there! I kept thinking to myself it must've been a very bad nightmare that I had about loosing her. I kept hugging and kissing her and she was a little surprised over my overexcitement of seeing her. In a different dream I found myself in her apartment when we were younger and standing in her living room as it was getting dark out and feeling the emptiness of her presence. I'd say that was an eerie feeling. That dream was dark and filled with emptiness. I remember in that dream walking out on my grandmother's balcony trying to locate our house as we used to do since she lived so close to us, and somehow being able to see inside our house and how everything was in boxes ready to be moved. Somehow my grandmother was there and she wasn't. Maybe like a ghost. I'd go into her kitchen in her apartment expecting to see her sitting by the kitchen table as she used to do starring out the window. But instead I'd find the kitchen overcrowded with stuff with barely any space left to come in but there was no one in the kitchen. It looked though as if someone had left in haste. Food was out of the fridge and scattered on the table and on the counters and I was constantly expecting a phone call with my grandmother on the other end of the line telling me that she was on her way. I'd open her front door and look out the stairwell hoping to see her climbing up the stairs, but instead it was dead silence and empty. In that particular dream I remember how I was so overwhelmed with a deep sorrow and longing for something that i knew never would come again. This feeling of mine was even accentuated more by the darkness outside. I remember I kept wanting to turn a light on to make the darkness disappear but this seemed impossible. No matter how many lights I turned on it was as though none of them were bright enough to lit up the space.

I also keep dreaming of a cousin of mine whom I was very fond of and who we lost much much too soon. In my dreams I him either being alive but in a deep sleep or coma, or being awake and up and running but with a brain damage that prevents him from processing his feelings and making connections with others. I once dreamt that I was somewhere up in the mountains with him and we went tubing down a river together. It was so much fun! I kept expressing to him how glad I was that he was back without speaking really, and how safe I felt with him being there next to me as we went down the river together. I kept asking myself if this really was happening as though a part of me sort of knew that this might be a dream but I still kept denying it for the fear of waking up if I really did admit it to myself. In another dream I was laying next to my cousin while he was in a full body cast from his accident. He was asleep or unconscious but somehow we were still communicating. I kept asking him to come back but somehow he either couldn't hear my plea or he couldn't understand it. It was as though he was slipping away from me; like drifting apart on two separate pieces of melting ice in the middle of an ocean. I tried to hold on to him but it seemed impossible. But still there was a warmth that I didn't want to let go of. Something very familiar. This has been a repeating theme in my dreams. But no matter how dark or happy those dreams are I still don't want to let go and wake up. There a familiar love, warmth and affection that I feel in those dreams of my loved ones that I haven't felt for a very long time.. It's as though I've gotten lost and in those dreams I find my way back again to where I need to be. Sometimes I dream of my dad and most of those times we're fighting. In the dreams I'm able to complain to him about all those things that I'm unhappy about in regard to him, but that I can't otherwise express to him whenever we talk. In some ways I feel abandoned by him. I remember how I used to adore my dad when I was much younger. To me he was God Himself. Now thinking back I keep wondering how he felt towards us and why he didn't try harder to make things right. Looking back now I realize that responsibility was put squarely on us, my sister and I. We were always forced to pick sides between my parents. Now as an adult when I think back at it I can't help but feel how selfish it was of them to always put us in the middle and never to want to take responsibility for their actions. I think sometimes parents don't realize how much they really can hurt and damage their own kids. It hurts to think about it and I wish things would've been different. When I was much younger I kept dreaming about how I'd want to raise my own kids one day. Today when i think back at those times it dawns on me that I'm at that age now and how I most likely never will have my own kids. And that hurts too. I always took it for granted that some day I'll have my own family and now I realize that it's not such a given thing either. All those things that I dreamt about giving my kids and the things I wanted to do with them. Showing them things and teaching them about being good human beings and helping others. Seeing them do good things and being good to their own peers and the community at large. Growing up to become successful people. And happy. Yea I did have those dreams one day. But that day was a very long time ago I realize now. Today I have finally arrived at that age where most of those things should've happened by now, but they haven't and most likely never will. Now I tell myself that if I ever had have them I'd tell them never to expect anything from life. I'd say to them to live each day like there won't be a tomorrow but still always strive to be your best in your achievements and toward others. I'd encourage them to travel and see the world while still young, happy and healthy. Make good memories and do all the positive things that you've always wanted to do. Live so you won't have regrets and love as much as you can. Even if you'd have to take the chance of getting hurt in the process. I'd also hug them and kiss them every day and tell them how much I love them and how smart and beautiful they are and that they can accomplish what ever that they'd set their minds to. I wouldn't expect anything of them other than being good and positive people and let them find their own ways in life.